“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
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judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.