My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
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I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Tough love is true love
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
gentlemen, hear me out
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.