Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
You Might Also Like
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
men are simple creatures
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.