*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
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me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up