I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
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Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
how long have you had this for?
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Don’t snitch tag.