“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
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Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
it is time once again
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!