If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
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*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl