God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
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me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
This is a whole mood;
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.