today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
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How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti