[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
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This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
When I can’t barge, I careen.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself