Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
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*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”