Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
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My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol