dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
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God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour