Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
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“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”