Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
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Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Catering service
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.