Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
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When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I cannot stop laughing at this
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.