don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
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Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Time for evil
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
presenting your incognito window wrapped
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I wanna be friends with this person
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?