Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
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*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.