10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
You Might Also Like
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers