Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
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[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar