Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
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Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart