him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
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I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.