i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
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Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*