A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
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People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure