We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
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Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school