Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
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*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
That de-escalated quickly
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…