Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
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Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
A French press is when you hug naked
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.