[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
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The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Pot warmers of the day.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
my retirement plan is braless
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!