4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
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Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
If you know, you know
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Woke up with morning Yule Log
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5