Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
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Watermelon Boss!
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay