I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
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No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Oh we’ve met.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING