I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
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I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here