[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
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18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
no
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly