I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
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Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Comparing yourself to others
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no