Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
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[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe