ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
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Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.