I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
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Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
uh oh
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*