Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
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I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!