“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
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I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.