It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
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just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Covid like
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?