Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
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What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died