Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
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[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Cool shirt 🙂
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.