The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
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Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
#TopTip
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Not all heroes wear capes…
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
can’t catch a break
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard