Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
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Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first