[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
You Might Also Like
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony