A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
You Might Also Like
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.