Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
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Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.