yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
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You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before