Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
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“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Legend 🤣🤣
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?