My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
You Might Also Like
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Genius idea!!
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)